supremegoddessofall: (Default)
If you liked my entry for LJ Idol this week, the polls are up. Top five enter the main competition, bottom five go home. Voting closes Saturday at 1 p.m.

[Poll #1675880]
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
I am not a crunchy person.

I mean, I *want* to be a crunchy person....
My chosen profession is crunch-filled
My politics are generally pretty crunchy.
(Except for that little part about being in favor of allowing the death penalty for the supremely un-crunchy, but we won't talk about that right now.)
My closest friends are supremely crunchy.

But I don't recycle because it's inconvenient,
I keep my heat set at 72 or 74 in the winter,
And I'm too damned cheap to buy organic.

It's a lot of work being crunchy.
It's a lot of work, and I'm lazy.

Nonetheless, I want to be crunchy.
I aspire to bring my outer self in line with my inner values.

So one of my New Year's Resolution (if I am indeed being resolute) is to be more crunchy.
I'm attending Nia class and trying not to laugh too hard when we're supposed to "fluff our core."
I'm trying not to tease my best friend for giving homeopathic medicine to her cat.
I've even signed up for some personal therapy - I start tomorrow.

I'm not crunchy yet, but I'm trying.
I'm not crunchy, but I aspire to crunchiness.

Maybe I won't hit Cheeto-level crunchy, but I can aim for being a rice cake.
A lower echelon of crunchability, let's say.

But fuck that organic shit - I'm still cheap.
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
I walk a path you cannot follow.
Winding, circuitous.
(Dangerous, some might say.)
A tightrope hovering over jagged rocks.

But the lash empowers Me
(not cowers Me).
The bite, the sting -
these are all meant to be.

A trail you barely see -
you do not know and cannot understand.
Or perhaps will not understand.
A choice you make, as I make Mine.

I follow where you lead
but I shall not kneel.
I make others kneel before Me.
They kiss My feet and beg for more.

Which I give,
again and again,
secure in My sense of self,
reveling in the moans and sighs.

You cannot tread on My path,
and I cannot limit Myself to yours.
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
It's voting time in 2nd chance idol. If you felt my post about a difficult choice was worth reading, I'd appreciate your vote. Voting closes Saturday at 3 p.m. EST. Similar as last week - top 3 enter the main competition, bottom 3 get eliminated.

[Poll #1669523]
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
It was irreversible before you got on the plane. I could not be there for the doing, but I couldn't not be there for the mourning.

You are the twin of my soul, the yin to my yang, and yet I cannot take this pain from you.

I would, you know - take the pain. I would swallow that bitter pill myself, were it only possible.

I cannot take the pain, but I can hold.

I can hold you so tightly the sobs wrack my own body instead of yours.

I can hold you so closely my womb reaches for yours.

I can hold you as the wanted-unwanted not-yet-life passes from you.

And I can hold you after.

Twin of my soul, I have no answers for you. Only these arms with which to support your weight when you cannot.

"I would have kept it, you know, if only..."

Twin of my soul, you owe me no explanations. My womb stands empty as does yours now. It aches, for your lost child and for the one it never had.

It's a Catch-22 with no winners. I heard that in your voice long before I saw it in your eyes.

"I keep wondering what my child would have looked like."

Twin of my soul, she would have been radiant, as radiant as the light that is no longer lives in your eyes.

I hope that light comes back. The world is not the same without your joy.

My world is not the same.
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
So for some masochistic reason, when Gary offered a "second chance idol" for people to get back into LJ Idol, I decided that I didn't have *enough* to do with my time, so I'm writing for it. The way this works (this week anyway) is that the top 2 scorers get back into the competition and the bottom 2 are eliminated. So if you want to vote for me (if you liked my piece), please do so here.

[Poll #1667070]
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
I'm a bitch, and I'm back.
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
It takes patience to drive a man insane. Time and dedication, yes, it takes those, too. But infinite patience – that’s really the key.

I know you’re wondering how I did it. I mean, I was dead after all. Just the residual energy of a life, that’s all I am. Protons or photons or some sort of spectral ether – honestly, I’m really not sure. I never was much good at physics and I never believed in the paranormal when I was alive.

It’s funny how you think you’ve got it all figured out, when your soul’s still in your body. Go to church every Sunday, say your amens, and sleep tight, knowing that God is in his heaven and the angels are waiting for you when it’s your time to go.

Just so you know, it’s a complete and utter crock of shit. There’s no angels, no white light. Not that I’ve seen anyway. Just the dark and the time and the waiting.

And in my case, plotting revenge on the son of a bitch that killed me.

Who would have thought the spineless bastard had it in him? All those years of standing by and watching while I drifter further and further away from him – you would have thought he had just accepted my leaving as inevitable. When I finally told him I was leaving, he looked so helpless, so defeated. He didn’t even try to stop me while I packed up the bags for Elise and I. Just sat there staring at his hands and rocking back and forth.

I was almost at the door when the gun went off.

You know how in the movies the victim doesn’t seem to realize immediately that they’ve been shot? Like they’re dead and just don’t know it yet until they see the blood stain seeping across their chest? I know it sounds cliché, but that’s exactly what it was like. The gun went off and I turned around to give him a piece of my mind. I got as far as making a snide comment about dramatic gestures when I noticed the blood on my hand. I looked down, and there it was – a crimson flower blooming with just a bit of intenstine dangling.

And, just like in the movies, I slowly crumpled to the ground with that ridiculous look of shock and surprise in my eyes. I heard Elise wailing, and then silence. The last thing I remember while I was alive is the squelching sound the knife made when he sliced Elise’s throat.

Now, don’t ask me how it works, because I really don’t know. I can’t move things or make the temperature in the room change or even write spooky messages in steam on the bathroom mirror. Those are all just Hollywood parlor tricks. But what I can do is make voices in his head. Joey’s not crazy when he thinks he hears us in the pipes. Well, no crazier that the average man who kills and purees his family. He really does hear me. My electrons or gluons or miasma or what not flit right through that balding skull of his and whisper cries for help.

If I still had a throat to laugh, I would have, watching him tear out those pipes. Like that would somehow make it stop, make me stop.

It was so very sweet when the police found him covered in sewage in the basement, screaming like a mad man. So sublime, to turn a figurative shithead into a literal one. Oh, how far the mighty have fallen! It really was a sight of beauty. But then to see Joseph Andrew Michaels in that orange jumpsuit, confessing to my murder? It was the most beautiful thing in the world.

I’m really not sure what happens next. They don’t give you any kind of Beetlejuice-esque manual when you die. Melinda Gordon hasn’t shown up to help me share my final thoughts with my family before guiding me to the light. I do know that it’s getting harder and harder to make old Joe hear me, and I haven’t been able to hear Elise in a few weeks, either. You’re about the only one I can still talk to – I think maybe it’s the anger that keeps us strong. Now that Joe’s going to rot in a cell, it’s harder to keep the anger.

I think one day I’ll just fade away, drift off into some great void. Maybe those angels will be waiting.


This has been an entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol, on the topic "Moments of Devestating Beauty." We were partnered again this week - my partner is [livejournal.com profile] joyemichaels, and his piece is here. Look for the voting link later in the week.
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
I used a bye this week for LJ Idol (coughing and puking are bad juju for creativity), but I figured I would still pimp for some of the entries I really liked this week. Everyone's in one big poll this week. Voting link is here:

http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/293752.html

Poll closes Monday at 9 p.m. EST

My picks:

[livejournal.com profile] beautyofgrey reflects on motherhood.

[livejournal.com profile] itswhatiam hates malls at Christmas.

[livejournal.com profile] joeymichaels deals with bullies, who are later dealt with by karma.

[livejournal.com profile] kenakeri does selkie fiction well.

[livejournal.com profile] markmade predicts the future.

[livejournal.com profile] oberonia continues her fictional saga.

[livejournal.com profile] rejeneration tells a dark tale of love.

[livejournal.com profile] rivermirage can't keep up with someone who won't wait.

[livejournal.com profile] theafaye learned all she needed to know from horror movies.

[livejournal.com profile] viagra does meta commentary like nobody's business.
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
In case you were interested, a reminder that signup for LJ Idol closes tomorrow (Wed. Oct. 14th) at 8:00 p.m. EST. Sign-up link is here:

http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/256751.html
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
*grumble grumble gonnadoLJIdolthisyeareventhoughIsaidIwasn't grumble grumble*
supremegoddessofall: (Default)
I'm out of the LJ Idol competition, so now I will be pimping out the entries I feel are deserving of votes, should you be inclined to do so. All of the pieces are worth your time, so if you're in the competition and not on my list, that doesn't mean I thought your post was bad. These are just the ones that I feel are the creme de la creme this week.

Voting ends Sunday at 6 p.m. EST.

The link for the poll is here: http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/235195.html

In the first group, "Getting Involved," the posts I feel really rocked are:

[livejournal.com profile] darkprism, here. [livejournal.com profile] darkprism is a fabulous fiction writer who amazes me every week. She's my pick to win the whole thing.

[livejournal.com profile] kittenboo, here. An exploration in trying to reconcile one's sexuality.

[livejournal.com profile] mandolinorange, here. An interesting science fiction piece written in a dark voice.

[livejournal.com profile] monkeysugarmama, here. In which she saves a dog. It's cute and sweet.

[livejournal.com profile] rm, here. A lot of people think that [livejournal.com profile] rm is overrated. But I think her voice and writing style are haunting, and her entries always make me think.

In the second group, "Flying," the posts I really liked are:

[livejournal.com profile] alexpgp, here. Flying was the least important thing he learned from flying lessons.

[livejournal.com profile] brightflashes, here. A very personal piece about the death of her brother.
supremegoddessofall: (me and lee in hat)
It's voting time for LJ Idol. If you liked my post on "blankets" from earlier this week, here's the link for voting:

http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/230028.html

Voting is open to everyone, even if you're not a member of the community.
supremegoddessofall: (broken legs suck)
It is Monday. I am working late, as it seems I'm always doing these days. I don't end up leaving work until almost 8:30. I call [livejournal.com profile] blueashke on the way home. She tells me that the topic for this week is "Blankets."

"Blankets?" I ask with confusion. "Is there anything else?"

"Nope, just blankets."

"I have no idea what I'm going to write."

"Neither do I - you should write about your thing with textures and not being able to touch some blankets. That will be different."

"Nah, that would be boring. I'm sure I'll come up with something."

The little bit of Monday evening that I have left is spent watching television.

Tuesday rolls around, and work is just as busy as ever. I don't have time to read LJ Idol submissions, let alone write one! By the time I look at the clock it's after 2 and there's no way I could write something and be done before our 3:30 group. I do manage to leave work around 6:30, however.

I arrive home with the best intentions of writing my post. But then my friend and former co-worker Ebony calls. We spent nearly 4 hours on the phone catching up - have you heard about so-and-so, did so-and-so retire? Etc., etc. - you know the drill. By the time we get off the phone, it's 11:30 and definitely time for me to go to bed. I'm sure I'll get it done on Wednesday - no worries!

And then Wednesday comes. At approximately 12:45 on Wednesday, I break my left leg in two places (and, as I learned yesterday, deformed the bone, too!) coming out of the trailer that I work in. I'm too much of a perfectionist to just break it once.

I was going to describe how I broke it, but from a legal standpoint that's probably not a good idea right now. Suffice to say that it was negligence on the part of my employer.

Naturally, I've had no life since then that isn't leg-related - my life is a series of doctor's appointments and phone calls and pain medications and trying not to screw up my leg even more than it's already screwed up. LJ Idol has not been very high on my priority list. I still have no idea what to write about, so you get a crappy post that's probably not worth voting for.

You know, you never really realize how much you use both legs until you suddenly find yourself missing one. I've discovered all sorts of interesting ways to relocate myself from Point A to Point B. All of them hurt, every single time, but most of them accomplish the primary mission of "don't let your left leg hit anything."

I have a script for Percocet, which I'm taking, but it's not helping much, for two reasons. First of all (this is not to gain sympathy, merely the truth), I'm largely resistant to anesthetic medication of all forms. When I got my wisdom teeth pulled, the anesthesiologist had to put me up to the legal limit of the "twilight sleep," and I was still partially awake during the surgery. Percocet pulls me down by about 2 points on the pain scale. Right now without the Percocet I'm about an 8 on a scale of 0 to 10 where 10 is "shoot me now." With the Percocet I'm maybe a 6 or 6.5. Secondly (time for the gross-out factor!!!), every time I shift my leg even slightly, the bones that are broken shift position and hit or rub against one another.

I've surrounded myself with blankets and pillows (ha! she mentioned the topic word. gawd, she's so obvious!!!) and have tried various configurations to get comfortable. Comfort really is such a relative term, isn't it?

See, I can be warm, but if I'm warm that means that I have a blanket on top of my leg. The pressure of the blanket pushes my foot downward and my ankle grinds along my foot bone. I can relieve that by enduring the bone popping it takes to turn my foot to the side. That position is most comfortable, but then I hurt worse the next time I need to move or shift positions since I'm putting my muscles into an unnatural state.

Or I can be warm except for my foot and leg, and fold the rest of the blanket doubled-over on the rest of me. Except that doesn't really work either - the rest of me gets too hot, and my foot gets cold.

Or I can say to hell with the blankets all together, and just be cold. Of course, being cold makes me shiver, which jars my leg, which makes the bones move. Which hurts.

So, as you can see, I'm pretty much in a Catch 22 here. There simply is no scenario in which I win. So I rotate between the three options and deal with the pain it takes to achieve each transition.

I'll be having surgery next Thursday. I'm not really worried about it, but i am immensely worried about the rehabilitation time afterward. I've never really broken a bone before, and certainly not one this badly (you know it's bad when everyone, including the doctor, who takes a look at your X-rays is like "hot damn!") - my baby toes don't count. According to the orthopedist, I'll be on crutches for 4 to 6 weeks, in a "moonboot" for probably another 2 months after that, and won't be back up to "full speed" for probably 6 months - and that's with extensive physical therapy.

My boss has gone from "take your time and heal" to "how quickly can you come back?" I suspect this is because my favorite co-worker was apparently fired yesterday with no warning. I have no idea what happened, and I'm desperately worried about her. I'm hoping she calls me at some point today - her text message last night said she didn't want to talk and was going straight to bed.

I hope her blankets can provide her with some measure of comfort, as mine surely are not.

Perhaps I should have her over - we can commiserate together and I can substitute warm company for warm blankets. At least the company won't grind my bones.

2009 has been the worst year of my life so far. I choose to believe that things will get better, because I think I would shoot myself if I didn't have that hope.

ETA: While I was writing this I got a call from my "adjuster" for Key Risk Management. I'm only going to get 2/3 of my salary while I'm out. Looks like my life will now consist of my leg and a lawyer, because that isn't going to cut it.

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Kimberly Boyd-Bowman

May 2011

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